We know what certain people mean to us….. but they don’t always get to know that.
Sometimes they amp up the energy in a fun experience, sometimes they brighten a dreary day, and sometimes – if you are really lucky – it literally feels as if they can reach their hand down a dark abyss and somehow pull you back out into the sun.
I, like many other people, deal with anxiety. Last week I wrote an entry about it in this web diary on a particularly anxious morning.
The next day I experienced something that felt nothing short of miraculous and knew in the moment I needed to write about it, so I would never forget. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it was an especially aware occurrence.
But let’s back up a few steps first. Anxiety is nothing new for me, it’s been an intermittent shadow following me since I was a little kid. My parents helped me find ways of managing it for school and jobs. A few special friends and, later in life, my husband have also assisted along the way. Studying psychology in college allowed gained insight into myself as well. Over the years I’ve also benefited from the input of some therapists, nutritionists, and yoga instructors.
I managed to stitch together all of the most beneficial ideas into an internal map of sorts. It’s guided me toward trying to avoid the anxiety. It’s also given me a flow chart of plan b’s to navigate my way toward minimizing it if it still manages to take hold.
Through it all, though, there are only two things that have had the power to actually press pause on a downward spiral and then actually reverse course to pull me out of my shell and back into feeling positive and bright again……. my dogs and Bon Jovi music.
I’m pretty convinced my dogs have mystical powers. I never felt like I lived alone, despite years of being the only human in my house. I never felt like I missed out on having children, despite never going through child birth. I feel like we’ve shared deeply emotional exchanges, despite the fact they don’t speak in words.
They are my “emotional support animals” without the fancy title or vest. Heck, from my perspective they should be wearing little red super-hero capes. That is how pivotal a part of my life they are.
I would feel grateful if they were the only thing in my world that held that level of positive power for me. But I had a reminder last weekend that I’m lucky enough to have a second beacon of light in my world that shines it’s light to cut through the densest of days….. the music of Bon Jovi.
Now there will be some who read this who will think it exaggerated and silly. But I dare to say there are arena-fulls of people around the country – around the world – who would nod their heads “yes!” and know exactly what I am trying to say.
Sometimes in a lifetime there is the perfect blending of talents that culminate into something much bigger than what it would appear on it’s surface. Much larger than any one person or personality. Much more enduring than any one story or headline. And more meaningful than any one lyric or chord progression.
Sometimes there is the alchemy of words, sounds, emotion, and energy that transforms each into more than just the sum of the parts…. they transform into magic. And if you are lucky enough to be open to it, it can have the power to take you on an inner journey that brings you back a better person than before you began.
To try to explain the “why” isn’t isn’t really necessary. Sometimes you need to accept that something just “is”. And then be grateful for it.
So let’s jump back to last week. Chest tight, heart thumping, thoughts swirling. Anxiety doesn’t mean you’re in a negative mood to the outside world – but it does mean you’re own inner world has thrown you into fight-flight-or-freeze mode and if you can’t instantly solve the puzzle of life in that moment you’re in for a doozy of an internal ride.
Enter husband who has ever so thoughtfully put the new “This House Is Not For Sale” CD onto my ipod since I tend towards technologically challenged. As he walks away, the first notes of “RollerCoaster” begin to play.
Without conscious awareness there is a gentle flutter – the first non-panic feeling of the last hour. I’m hearing the words – which means I must have pulled out of the avalanche of my “what if” thought tornado. My foot is tapping – which means not every muscle is still tied in knots. Did my hand just make the “roller coaster” move? What the…….? I hope no one saw that. I’m humming? I hope no one heard that, I’d be embarrassed. Oh no – here comes the chorus – I can never not sing along……………
And as science would say – threshold met, action potential fired, here comes the “all” of the “all or nothing” principle……. we have lift off!
I’m singing out loud to my dogs. Now they’re up too. One dog is jumping – I guess she wants us to dance…… ok! My other dog has her front paws on me to pick her up – I guess she wants to be my dance partner…… ok! One of them is making noises – does she hate my singing or is she trying to sing along with me? Either way, the three of us are dancing around the computer room singing as loud as we can – and I forgot to worry about being embarrassed!
The last notes of the song play and it’s quiet for a moment. We all look around like “o…..kayyyyyy…….. “. I momentarily try to return to worrying, but I’ve lost my place and can’t really remember where my mind left off. I look at my dogs and ask them “well, so what do you want to do now?”. They still look like they are smiling and energetic, so we go outside to for some fresh air.
Somehow the dark energy that was then, stayed in the then. We’ve moved on to the now….. so I guess this is a fresh start on the day. We found a “reset” button. Sweet!
The rest of my mind, the part no longer held hostage by fight-flight-or-freeze, now remembers that I don’t have to solve all the worlds problems all by myself in one afternoon.
The next day would be the Bon Jovi concert. That meant tonight would be like Christmas Eve, with all of it’s anticipation. And tomorrow waking up would be like Christmas morning itself, with all of it’s excitement and joy.
Now we’re there at the venue. Where normally I avoid big social situations, or anything away from home for that matter, for some strange reason Bon Jovi concerts feel different. Where usually I fear talking to new people, somehow here it’s easier because everyone here is also excited and we all have something in common.
Now we’re at our seats. I don’t say “in” our seats since no one could possibly sit down during a Bon Jovi show. The lights go down. The rooted house banner drops from the ceiling. The first notes fill the air. And the shadowed figures of the band can be seen through the front door and windows.
That’s why life doesn’t feel overwhelming, or intimidating, or stressful when their music plays…… Bon Jovi IS home.
Halfway through the show I have an awareness – a looking at myself from above kind of moment. I am singing out loud at the top of my lungs, and I’m not worried about anyone hearing it. I am dancing, moving my arms even, and I’m not worried about anyone seeing it. This is so not me. Or maybe this IS me……….. me when I’m not bogged down by insecurity and fear. Wow…………
In that moment I feel teary, and lucky, and grateful. Thankful that I have found something in my life that helps me re-orient when life knocks me topsy turvy. Call it a light in the darkness, or a hand reaching to pull you up when you fall……… call it a gift.
I rewind back through the concert experience the next day, and the next day, and the next.
And I’m hoping everyone with anxiety has these things – those one or two things that have the ability to connect to them on a level strong enough and deep enough to help them when they need it most.
And in the changed words of someone I can’t name:
To the world, they may be just one band and two dogs –
But to me….. they are the world.
So thank you to my dogs and thank you Bon Jovi……
You are better than any doctor, therapy, or medication.
I hope you know how much I appreciate and love you.
Now if I could just figure out a way to get my health insurance to cover Bon Jovi concerts…..