Oh anxiety…… you are a cruel shadow.
Do you think of me as your wicked game? I break free, then “tag – you’re it” again?
How can it be that nothing is different in my world, yet my chest is tight, my heart beats so hard and quickly I’d swear others could actually see it, and my thoughts swirl in fast circles like a tornado sucking the energy out of me into it’s vortex.
Why?
Why is it that there are times when things actually are wrong, that somehow I manage to hold you down to organize what needs to be done to surmount it, able to look directly forward until it’s accomplished?
Why is it that on the same day, I can wake up feeling hopeful and excited about upcoming events, only to swing into the heavy drop of all the things I should have done better and could have done different, living the emotional reactions of all the “what if’s” that constantly try to break free to run amok inside my head?
Why is it that I can do 95% of the things in my life well, always trying to choose the “right” path and the highest ground, yet all I can see is the 5% I wish I did another way….. and it’s that slice that feels it defines what the outcome of life will be?
Why is it that there are people who think less, try less, care less…. but seem to always walk in the sunshine?
Why is it that I think so much, try so hard, care so deeply, ….. but seem to always be running from the thunder and lightning that remain just one step behind me?
Why is it that I know I’m humorous and fun-loving….. but sometimes wonder if I’m the only one who experiences it? Since those closest may only get glimpses within my “what if” monologues, and those one step beyond see nothing because it’s often easier to stay within the safe confines of home base.
Why is it that some people would be shocked to hear these things exist inside me, since I use so much of my life force to shield them with only the part of me I think is most helpful to them at any given time?
I don’t understand you, anxiety.
How are you so abstract, yet so strong? So evasive, yet never really gone? So all-consuming, yet not at all who I really am?
How many times will I think “once I reach _______, I can relax and be free of you” ?
But you somehow always find a new loophole to sneak in through, giving me yet another target to run towards in hopes of finally losing you for good.
I’ve given you enough of my time, my heart and my brain. I’ll never stop striving to allude you.
I will use every weapon in my arsenal to evict you from within me –
getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising, practicing yoga, meditating, snuggling my dogs, and choosing kindness in every interaction I encounter.
You may chase me, but you will never fully catch me. I will not allow it.
I will never let you BE me.
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image from “google images”